 info Jeff Lim ; 3rd July
The feeling that I'm aware, is more helplessness than cowardice.
I peel off my frail consciousness slowly, so my footsteps won't make a sound
Becoming ashes, scattering into tiny pieces.
I ask my subconsciousness... What more?
Tears starts to fall, without a trace..
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Saturday, May 19, 2007
".hope.or.false.hope." tI read her nick. It says "i wanna treat you as friend". I don't know who is she referring to. I ASSUME that its me. I don't care if its me she's referring to. This sentence make me think a lot. Its just like she's going to give me hope. However there are two sides to every story. Good side. Is she want to start from friends, know each other better. Then maybe have a chance to be together again. Bad side? Is that she just want to be friends and don't want to understand each other better and just friends. Good side. I still have hope. Bad side? Is that I know if she just want to be friends and one day she found a new love. I would be hurt more more more times than now. Its just like giving me hope then SMASH! it right hard again. I don't know what I should do. I know I should take things slowly. I don't know what is she thinking. Good side or bad side. Its a hope or a false hope? That's why I wrote in my nick. "I rather you hate me if you're not going to love me again". Because if she is going to find someone new. I rather I know nothing about her life. Seriously when I'm typing this entry. Tears just flow down my eyes one by one. Because I am really hurt. Hurt deep deeply. I hope she reads this. And I want her to know. That she hurt me hard. This second time. Real hard. I don't want to say how am I spending my everyday. I'm really having a hard hard time. Many people ask me take it easy. Learn to let go and stuff. You know. Its hard. And I can't. I see love too seriously. Because I'm seriously in love with her. I appreaciate those who are trying to help me. But seeing other people out there, other couple out there. Tears just fill my eyes. Even accidentally seeing my good friend's message for other girl. I feel sorrowful. I feel painful even with him. Seeing girls and stuff is just isn't my style. I'm not like him. See girl can high then can talk alot. I'm not. I just want to love the one I love. Be with the one I want to be with. Other than that I can take it easy. Even though now he's trying to talk me through. I find it hard. My personality is this way and I can't change it. It's in my blood. In my DNA. I cycled to the beach. I feel very unhappy. I don't know why. Tonnes and tonnes of feelings rise from deep inside. Deep deep inside. Many pictures of the past. Many things said and done in the past. All just flash across my mind, heart and soul. The first time she left me. I changed. I smoke and stuff. Second time she left me. What I've become? I don't know myself. EMO? I don't like all these changing of myself. Putting a mask everywhere I go. It's really tiring. I miss how I used to be in the past. Or rather how WE used to be in the past. I'm feeling so empty deep inside. I'm a perfectionist in some ways when it comes to relationship. I ask for perfection. I want to be perfect. But pushing her too hard til it backfires is something I never realise at all. Since the day she left me. Everyday I think about myself. I think about my own character my own personality. I analyse myself. I find a way to change myself into a better person. I find myself to seem to grow up sometimes. But sometimes I still can't free myself from somethings. Just like one simple sentence can lead me to many fears. I fear of her having a new love, thus hurting me again. I just want to tell her... Girl... Please don't hurt me anymore. If you're going to give me a chance after we understand each other more as a friend first. Please go ahead. But if you're going to just want to be plain friends meaning we don't have a chance in the future anymore. Then I don't know if I should say what I'm feeling inside. Cause I know I won't be able to take any pain anymore. My heart is weak. Is wrecked. Just like a "langga-ed" aeroplane. I scared to be hurt again. Although I know I won't love anyone else other than you. But if you're not going to love me anymore. I would of just silently keep my love for you inside. And be alone..... "给我你的爱" 等待一点一滴 你对我感到安心 感觉朋友关系 有了新的默契 便利商店里 谁也买不到 我们最想要的东西 只握在喜欢的人手上 给我你的爱 让我陪着你去未来 给我你的爱 手拉着手不放开 就算宇宙爆炸 海水都蒸发 只愿你的记忆里 有我的拥抱 给我你的爱 我的最大幸褔 是发现了我爱你 灵魂有了意义 用每一天珍惜 便利商店里 谁也买不到 我们最想要的东西 只握在喜欢的人手上 给我你的爱 让我陪着你去未来 给我你的爱 手拉着手不放开 就算宇宙爆炸 海水都蒸发 只愿你的记忆里 有我的拥抱 雨和天空也有 相爱的可能 望着你的微笑 情不自禁 给我你的爱 让我陪着你去未来 给我你的爱 手拉着手不放开 就算地球毁灭 来不及流泪 只愿你的记忆里 有我的拥抱 给我你的爱 |