 info Jeff Lim ; 3rd July
The feeling that I'm aware, is more helplessness than cowardice.
I peel off my frail consciousness slowly, so my footsteps won't make a sound
Becoming ashes, scattering into tiny pieces.
I ask my subconsciousness... What more?
Tears starts to fall, without a trace..
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Sunday, June 03, 2007
".love." I know I have to be strong. I know I have to move on. But.... Past 3 years 10 months. All that I gave. Really worth nothing? Zhe de bi bu guo maybe someone else who just step in for like few weeks? I don't know if I am right. All these while, I just have a feeling that there's someone else in your heart. If that is the case. Don't tell me you will remember all our memories. Ru guo ni zhe de ai wo. Whatever I do. You would feel something. But you felt nothing. Because you know that without me. There's still "him" who would be beside you. I don't if I am right. I hope I am not right. I don't want to breakdown over and over again. I don't wish to. I tried to be strong. But I know that I am not. Guess I would just be alone. I won't bother anyone else. I would just be alone. I will just be alone. The pain. Is too damn deep. I can't get over it. I feel very hurt. After so long de relationship. Why can't she love me again? Why must she leave me just like that? Why? Is it because of a third party? WHY? Am I so worthless to her? Am I? All she say is it doesn't matter anymore!? If that is the fucking case? WHY STILL BOTHER TO SAY YOU WILL KEEP ALL OUR MEMORIES INSIDE? WHY STILL BOTHER TO SWEAR? ITS TOTALLY BULLSHIT!! When I need her. Where is she? Where the fucking hell is she? I always think! WHY CAN'T SHE BE HERE FOR ME? Because of someone else? After all these. Is it fair to me? Always say I'm contradicting myself. The one who is contradicting is you and me. IS BOTH OF US. DON'T JUST ALWAYS FUCKING THINK YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS RIGHT. NO!! YOU ARE NOT!! Tell someone who is not close to both you and me. See what they say. NOT CLOSE TO BOTH. ALRIGHT. Ask yourself. How much I love you. How much I need you. You yourself know it very god damn clear. I have been repeating all these all over and over again. I still can't find an answer. I am still living in the past. Can you be fair to me? Can you? If you still love me. Can you at least give a fucking shit thought about all these? huh? Can you don't be so selfish to me? Huh? YOu can treat others good. Why can't you treat someone who loves you so GOOD? Huh? My life is in a mess. Do you know why? Cuz of you! I don't wanna say what happened. But its all because of you! You took my heart away. You kick it! You smash it! You dumped it! You chop it! You let it BLEED on its own! and now I am left without a heart! I don't what should I say. There are too many fucking things in my heart. I just wish to DIE!! I don't want to think about all these. No matter how much I fucking need you. You're nowhere to be found! You rather be with someone else. Then to be with someone who loves you so deeply. 4 years de relationship. You can treat like nothing. How cruel you are? SORRY? What bullshit. There's no point for sorry in relationship. Is just a simple 5 letters that are put together. Its the same as jkdpe. Just any 5 letters put together. After 1st time. You said you clearly know what you want. Won't leave me again. Now? What the fuck you want? Can a stupid sorry make up for all the hurt you caused me? Can I stab you hard right in your heart two times and then say "opps, i'm sorry" then treat like nothing happen? You're the one who set it up. Now you're the one who make it stop. I'm the one who's feeling hurt right now. And now you want me to forget. Every little thing you say. But there's something left in my head. I won't forget the way you're kissing. The feeling's so strong were lasting for so long. But I'm not the man your heart is missing. That's why you go away I know. Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere. Don't know which way to go. There ain't so much to say now between us. There ain't so much for you. There ain't so much for me anymore. When I'm sitting by my bed all night. Thinking. Pondering. Wondering. Missing. What were you doing? huh? I totally understand that you love for me is so fucking weak. Gen ben jing bu qi kao yan. When things like this happen between us. Just I think anyone who is there for you. You would feel something. Why not at this kind of situation. Let me be the one who is there for you. Then you would feel something. You really make me cry over and over again. Now I'm crying again! Fuck it! The times. When we happily hand in hand go watch movies.. The times. When we whipped up a few dish together. The times. When I scold you.. The times. When you angry with me. The times. When you pinch me.. The times. When you beat me.. The times. When you slap me. The times. When I smack you. The happy times. The sad times. Where are they now? Where? Can I have them back? Can I.....? Zhen de zhen de zhen de. Hurting me is all you want to do? She's always on my mind. From the time I wake up, Till I close my eyes. She's everywhere I go. She's all I know. And though she's so far away, It just keeps getting stronger everyday. And even now she's gone. I'm still holding on. So tell me, where do I start'. Coz it's breakin' my heart. Don't wanna let her go. Maybe my love will come back someday. Only heaven knows. And maybe our hearts will find a way. But only heaven knows. And all I can do is hope & pray. 'Coz heaven knows. My friends keep telling me. That if you really love her, You've gotta set her free. And if she returns in time. I'll know she's mine. But tell me, where do I start. 'Coz it's breakin' my heart. Don't wanna let her go. 'Coz heaven knows. Why I live in despair. 'Coz wide awake or dreamin', I know she's never there. And all the time I act so brave, I'm shakin' inside. Why does it hurt me so? Heaven knows... "If she returns in time. I'll know she's mine.." She returned once. I knew she was mine. But never did I expect her. To leave again. There's once. Will there be a second returning? I doubt so... Why is she so cruel to me?? |