So tired. 5am wake up again. Wake up de shi hou blur blur de. Sleep 4 hours + only. Finish doing my things early. So on computer a while. Check my mail. Then I saw someone send me private message through friendster. Naming cynthia. Then open. She say:

"hi. how are you?
do you reali want to be strangers?"

Why? Why when I'm trying to heal myself. She come and talk to me again. Aren't we strangers for like close to 2 months? Why still want to ask me this kind of question? If there's no turning back, why still come and hurt me deeper. Is just like someone who was stab in the heart. Deep. Then the person who stab him come back out of nowhere and push the dagger deeper inside. Why?

我想要说。I don't wanna be strangers. Nor I wanna be just friends. Yeah. I have not changed at all. Why? This is me. My love is never gone. But so what? Does it matter to her anymore? I doubt so. Why she me ta yao zai yi ci de rang wo xiang qi wang shi. Rang wo zai shang xin. Nan guo. She's always the one who gives hope. AND she's ALWAYS the one who bashes the hope. What's wrong? Why is loving someone so difficult? Why?

I'm living with my tears. Yeah. Only she can wipe away the tears that I'm holding deep inside. But so what? Seriously. Tell me SO WHAT? Keeping a love for someone whom does not feel a thing at all. For what?

Oh tell me why? We do almost everything that lovers do. And thats why its hard. Just to be friends with you. I want you to know. That it hurts me deep inside. Its hard to wipe my tears away. I would hate for you to find somebody new. Who you really love, cause it would mean losing you. But am I a fool girl not to say. If I’m always scared I’ll lose you anyway. Somehow somewhere I’ve got to choose. No matter if it’s win or lose. Now tell me why?

I don’t wanna be like your brother. I don’t wanna be your best friend. I only wanna be your lover. When will this end. If I told you that I wanna be in your life. Then you could be the woman in mine.

Seriously. She don't know how I feel. And she would never know nor will ever try to understand how I feel. Thinking back. It seems like I'm always the one at fault. But I did nothing that deserve such treatment. If loving her too deeply and being afraid to lose her is a crime. Then I'm guilty.

You don't know.
You don't understand.
You won't understand.

我好累。。。

Working de shi hou. Have to carry those heavy heavy de goods. Then must use penknife cut here cut here. Everytime also is ge dao own hand. If not is tearing those goods de shi hou kena ge by those packaging. Hand so rough. Got many cuts everywhere liaoz. My thumb nail the skin there is kena poke up my thumb nail want to drop out liaoz. lols.. Back home liaoz. Resting my lazy bum. Haven even started studying. Have to really study starting next week le. Hopefully I can concentrate..


A picture that gets smeared in white
And my fragrance that seems to have faded away
All get concealed by the glaring cloud

My heart that has no words
Slowly starts to move my feelings
Those times that slipped through
Are in my hands

I'm holding back the tears
I walk trying to lessen the weight of my heart
To a place that is neither close nor far
Where a different me stands
I will not cry

I bring my two hands together again
To a place that will hear it
As I live though these unmemorable times

Though it seems stupid, we’re always together
The pain that I want to let go
Dries the tears that flows through my body

I'm living with my tears
I walk trying to lessen the weight of my heart
To a place that is neither close nor far
Where a different me stands
I will not cry

I'm holding back the tears
I run adding to the weight of my faith
To a place that is neither high nor low
Where a different me stands again
With a small smile I can laugh